Reading a card in front of a person who wrote it is so awkward. When someone hands you a gift and says,
“Read the card! Read the Card first!”
You have to open the card and read it. Right in front of them.Do you read it out loud. I never thought you were supposed to read it out loud. Have I been doing it wrong? Wait, are you supposed to read it out loud?
I never know how to act. I never know how much facial expression is enough facial expression when I am doing this. For some reason, I feel I have to act like this is the most well written, touching card that has ever been written. It’s so much pressure. I hate it.
The sizzle of a skillet coming towards the table when someone orders a fajita at a Mexican restaurant. It’s so extra. The smoke traveling towards the table. The drama of placing in front of said person. We all have to ooooh and ahhh about the spectacle, but for some reason I want to crawl under the table. The sizzle alone is so loud, like we are all placed directly into a wok. I just never know how to respond to the experience.
Dropping my purse and hearing it spill all over the floor. I don’t know why it’s so embarrassing to me. I hear change (yes change, and no I don’t know where I got change because who uses change anymore) spill all over the floor. Lipgloss rolling under peoples feet. Altoids box dropping. Opening. I can’t even look at the floor. For some reason I feel like there will be bad things in there I didn’t even know about. Vibrators, screenshots no one is supposed to see other than my best friend, pages of my journal I don’t even have. Why is that the most uncomfortable thing? Why am I scared to look down at the floor to see what has spilled all over the place. Then people are bending down, crawling on the floor with you to help you pick it up. Ugh. I just hate it. Does this make anyone else uncomfortable? Public speaking? That’s a breeze. Spilled purse? Trauma that lasts for at least an hour.
When you are lying in your bed, maybe scrolling on your phone, reading or relaxing. The TV is paused. It’s muted. It’s on, but it’s frozen. All of a sudden, the TV for reasons I will never understand has a mind of its own and starts playing on volume 10. It’s the loudest your TV has ever been and it’s a show you never even watched, not the one you paused. At times like these you can never find the remote. That makes me panic.
When the restaurant staff sings happy birthday do you. Okay, I don’t mind a little cheer. Like a little happy birthday song, drowned out by a crowded restaurant…I can totally handle that. Your table of friends, singing to you…yes, love it. You deserve to blow out that candle and make the best wish ever. But when a large group starts making their way toward you like a conga line at a bad office party, with the singing voice power of a gospel choir in a southern baptist church, doing all the harmonies, I can’t. I don’t know what I am supposed to do. Yes, I love how they sound. Do I clap while they sing? Do I clap after? Do I clap before or after I make my wish. Do I sing along? Do I wave my arms like a conductor of a Broadway orchestra? The whole restaurant is involved at that point. They all clap. Do I have to thank them all? I am suddenly in a talent show I never signed up for. I sweat while I wait it out, but silently wish it away. Anyone else? Now, if they have some birthday techno music or loud song they play on the speaker, I don’t mind. My moves are clear. I understand the assignment. I am supposed to dance in my seat.
When people show me pictures of their child. I am not sure how many compliments are enough compliments. Where do I end? What type of feedback do I give on that picture? I go on and on and on and don’t know when to stop.
When the table side guacamole cart shows up. I never know how to act in this situation. Do you stare at them as they make it? Do you oooh and ahhh? Do you clap? Do you look at them the entire time or glance at them occasionally. Do you taste it in front of them and tell them how good it is? How big of a deal are you supposed to make? I wish they would just bring the bowl of made guacamole and place it on your table. Why must it be a show? (Number 7 is a collab with Dina btw, If you are a Social Studies listener, you
know.)
Every single one of these.
All of this, plus:
-Meeting someone else's friends or family. I am so socially awkward, I am not sure how to act, so I get very quiet.
-4-way stop signs. That is where you see who is most decisive.
-Placing a big order in a drive-thru. I am afraid I'll get it wrong, and I'm afraid the people working there will hate me.
-Lack of assigned seating at events. Place cards, people!